In a not-so-crucial twist in a film full of not-so-crucial twists, a minister is about to be honey-trapped by a bunch of rogue spies. But there is a minor hindrance. As they are about the call in their regular bait, Miss Long Legs, they spot the minister flirting with the muscled bartender. “I want to eat your protein shake,” says the minister, running his hands over the bartender’s toned arms. 

Cue for chuckles. 

What to do ? What to do? 

Fikar not! The hero (Sidharth Malhotra), swoops in to complete the mission. He will be the gay-bait. He slinks into a tight satin shirt, unbuttons it upto his navel and walks into the lecherous arms of the gay minister. 

Things people have to do for their country!

The sleazy minister plants a quick kiss on Malhotra’s sculpted cheeks. Malhotra musters all the five expression in his artillery to show disgust. By now, morning show audience at the central Delhi cinema hall is in tenterhooks. 

Will poor Sidharth Malhotra have to *puke* make out with the gay man? 

But not to worry, the gay guy is left high and dry. As he should be. 

And Sidharth Malhotra? He is awarded the Param Vir Chakra for subjecting himself to the torture of the gay gaze. 

Yes, ladies and gentleman. This is 2017 and in India, where riots are spawned when rapists are convicted, it’s still cool to crack homophobic jokes. 

But hey, take a chill pill ya. Don’t rain on their parade. 

 A Gentleman is what they call a “caper”. It’s a spy spoof comedy where the screen is split into asymmetric halves every few minutes. Why, you may ask. My theory is that whenever the two directors of the film, Raj and DK, had some creative differences, they split the screen. “Tu teri waali side direct kar, main meri wali side karta hoon!” (You take your side, I will take mine). 

And whenever they ran out of jokes to crack, they fell back on, guess what, gay jokes. Because nothing is as rib-tickling for the Indian audience than the idea of two men having sex.  

A Gentleman zooms from Mumbai to Miami and back before you can complete a yawn. Which is not necessarily a bad thing but eventually you lose track of the settings. Come to think of it, How does it matter? Apna Mumbai has glitzier skyscrapers than Miami now. Haven’t you seen Ambaniji’s Antilia? 

A seedha-saadha boy (Sidharth Malhotra) loves a girl who wants some thrill in her life (Jacqueline Fernandez). She is, actually, every feminist’s nightmare. The sort of girl who will call you only when she is in trouble and associate coolness with driving beyond speed limits. 

However, the seedha saadha boy might not be the guy he seems to be. Or is he? 

Suffice to say that the biggest achievement of this film is that it brings together, three of the most wooden actors in the history of Indian cinema, Sidharth Malhotra, Fernandez and Suniel Shetty, in one frame. If only we could throw in Katrina Kaif in the mix, we could have carved a nice mahogany table out of it. 

PJ, I know.