For all the references to 'Indian culture' that people make everyday, the notion seems to have taken on quite a few meanings over time. And now, BJP contractors in Mumbai have ruled out rooftop restaurants because they are 'against Indian culture'.
So going by our esteemed politicians and eminent personalities and their wise insights into what constitutes the idea of culture in India, here is a quirky guide to toe-the-line and live life in India, culturally.
While you may already know some of it, we figured you might want to brush up your elementary education.
1. Speaking of education, remember: SEX is a bad word.
About 6 years ago, a Parliamentary committee, headed by BJP's Venkaiah Naidu had recommended that "there should be no sex education in schools" since "our country's social and cultural ethos are such that sex education has absolutely no place in it".
The committee further went on to say that sex education promotes promiscuity and prescribed "instinct control" and "dignity of restraint" instead.
Because that's exactly what a generation of sexually-frustrated teenagers with raging hormones are capable of doing, without any instruction whatsoever.
2. Pre-marital sex = Haww. Marital Rape = Huh?
Just in case, you fail to show 'restraint' and do indulge in heinous acts of s*x, please get married. Else, the girl is a slut and uski shaadi nahi ho payegi. The boy, of course, is a mard . And as Mulayam said , ' Ladko sey galti ho jati hai'. He should be okay.
Interestingly, the Naidu committee we mentioned above, also stated that sex before marriage is "immoral, unethical and unhealthy".
Once you get married, even the Supreme Court does not decree marital rape to be criminal.
The notions surrounding the institution of marriage in India, absolutely rock.
3. Because marriage is a "contract", as per Indian culture.
As RSS Chief Mohan Bhagwat puts it , "A husband and wife are involved in a contract under which the husband has said that you should take care of my house and I will take care of all your needs. I will keep you safe.
So, the husband follows the contract terms. Till the time, the wife follows the contract, the husband stays with her, if the wife violates the contract, he can disown her."
Beautifully put, Sir. You should be made the head of a prominent social organisation which goes around beating innocent people up.
4. Kripaya Bharat mein porn ka sevan na karein . Please don't service porn in India.
So what do you do if you don't wish to get married? Would you turn towards porn to get some sexual release?
The answer is NO. Because watching porn is against Indian culture. Way to go with the Swachh Bharat, BJP. Those internet filters will cure perversion and stop the harassment, rape and molestation of women.
5. Drinking alcohol has always been part of Indian culture. So yay.
Did point four make you sad? Grab a drink.
Because according to BJP MLA Vishnu Wagh, " pubs and liquor are very much part of the Indian culture and existed from mythological days."
Apparently, when the famous amrut manthan (churning of sea in search of nectar) happened, of the 14 different things churned out, the Gods and demons fought over liquor.
The original drinking game.
6. Fast food is against Indian culture and can lead to rape.
This famous statement of khap panchayat leader Jitendra Chhatar saying , "To my understanding, consumption of fast food contributes to such incidents (of rape). Chowmein leads to hormonal imbalance evoking an urge to indulge in such acts,"
...shows profound understanding of our high-cholesterol, low hygiene fast food that many of us binge on.
* Buttered any buns lately? Tried some hard, crisp tikki between them? What about mayonnaise? You like the white, sticky stuff, don't you? *
^ S*xually charged fast food, against Indian culture. Should be BANNED.
7. Speaking of things getting banned, don't you dare write anything criticising Indian culture.
Actually, even if mythological tales are treated as facts to make us look good, it's okay. Because we have always been awesome and we know it.
Also, don't forget to pick-up the latest, most authentic treatise on Indian history by Dinanath Batra. If that does not make you throw your fancy degrees into the dustbin and go wear khaki shorts, you no respect Indian culture.
Go away, you misguided western slave.
8. Only watch films which promote and elevate Indian culture.
Don't worry, our Censor Board will ban the rest so called "independent" and "art" films. They already have a list out, of words which are not part of our culture.
As Mithlesh Kumar Tripathi, national convenor of BJP's art and culture cell stated , "We have done our homework for developing movies that are rich in cultural values and have a strong flavour of Indian traditions."
So DDLJ is cool, Dirty Picture is dirty.
Sooraj Barjatya is the Steven Spielberg of Indian cinema, Anurag Kashyap can go to hell.
9. Religious conversions are okay as long as they convert to Hinduism.
Well, it's called ghar wapsi for a reason. Because though your family may have been following one religion historically, remember that we are ALL Hindus.
Tick the right box on the Census form, use the freedom of religion available to us to convert to Hinduism.
Because as a RSS leader says , it's just a natural urge to come home.
Welcome home, bhai .
10. Lastly, western culture is definitely, and always, anti-Indian.
Kissing in public, women wearing skirts and jeans, homosexual relationships, sex toys, celebrating Valentine's day, our colonial education system, western food, divorces...
...wow. It should be very clear by now that Indian sanskaar is quite antithetical to the depraved western culture. Quite rightly so.
Stop copying western culture, Indian children, and don't even try combining the two. Because that would be West Indian culture, and that's a different country all together.
Oh no Kejriwal ji! Aap yeh kya kar rahe hain?
The beauty of Indian culture lies in its sublime quality to subsume and adapt all trends and diverse cultures over centuries.