It kind of in the very nature of poop, isn’t it? To cause inescapable trouble when you take it out of its comfort zone – your home loo. And hence the unchanging fact that we all have at least one severely embarrassing poop story. I know I for sure have one that I’ve never told anyone.
Well, the ever-unforgiving Poop Gods really did a number on @_blotty just recently. Courage incarnate, this young girl revealed her poop truth to the world via Twitter the other day and boy was it hilarious AF.
Even just the opening tweet is enough to catch the wandering eye.
I have a story to tell. It is about my poop
— misunderstood worm (@_blotty) March 22, 2016
What started out as a cute Hollywood rom-com…
So, yesterday I went on a date with a man who asked me out in the grocery store the other day. All was going well. I went back to his place
— misunderstood worm (@_blotty) March 22, 2016
Very soon turned into an absolute horror-thriller.
I am a confident, calm and self assured woman…so I felt comfortable popping in his bathroom. This was a mistake. His toilet did not flush
— misunderstood worm (@_blotty) March 22, 2016
Properly. So, of course, like any calm, confident, self assured woman. I panicked. And flushed it a million times, making everything worse
— misunderstood worm (@_blotty) March 22, 2016
I mean, imagine. Alarms going off in your head.
By this point, I was really frantic because I had been in there for too long. There was only one single piece of poop. So in that moment
— misunderstood worm (@_blotty) March 22, 2016
Something came over me. And I knew exactly what I had to do. I got toilet paper and removed the one poop from the toilet. Once that was done
— misunderstood worm (@_blotty) March 22, 2016
This is when shit really hit the fan. While remaining in her hand, that is.
I realized I didn’t have a plan. What do I do with it now? I can’t fucking leave it there. By this point I was REALLY freaking out because
— misunderstood worm (@_blotty) March 22, 2016
I’d DEFINITELY been in there too long. So, again, making another horrible decision. I did the only thing I could think to do. I wrapped it
— misunderstood worm (@_blotty) March 22, 2016
Wait for it…
In multiple layers of toilet paper, and put it in my purse
— misunderstood worm (@_blotty) March 22, 2016
Yep. That happened.
Alright, so now what? We are sitting there on his couch and kissing and all I can think of is the piece of poop in my purse
— misunderstood worm (@_blotty) March 22, 2016
The rest of the evening was obviously a romantic blur.
Him: you’re so beautiful. The moment you smiled at me,u had meMe: that’s really sweet Me in my head: I have a piece of my poo in my purse
— misunderstood worm (@_blotty) March 22, 2016
She looked to her loved ones for advice, too. Very calmly, I might add.
At this point, I text my sister for advice pic.twitter.com/lMeX55iiH4
— misunderstood worm (@_blotty) March 22, 2016
And eventually the universe came through for her.
So, after a few hours he used the washroom and I heard it flush. I figured he fixed it. Maybe not, but I have to take the chance. I hAve to
— misunderstood worm (@_blotty) March 22, 2016
Try to flush the poop. So I brought my purse up to the washroom. Unwrapped the poop, prayed to every god I know, put it in and flushed
— misunderstood worm (@_blotty) March 22, 2016
By the grace of God, it worked. The poo flushed. I was free. I was in the clear. Everything was going to be okay. I survived.I am a survivor
— misunderstood worm (@_blotty) March 22, 2016
An absolute shit-storm right there. Figuratively and literally.
So that’s my story. A man, sat there telling me I’m the most amazing woman he’s ever met, not knowing, 10 feet away in my purse, was my poop
— misunderstood worm (@_blotty) March 22, 2016
That I’d fished out of his toilet…
— misunderstood worm (@_blotty) March 22, 2016
Here’s hoping that her story will help women out there carry on fooling the men of the world into thinking they don’t have a butthole.
This is v embarrassing for me. But seriously: dont drink coffee before a date, its better to be sleepy than to have to hide poop in ur purse
— misunderstood worm (@_blotty) March 22, 2016
All is well that ends well, I suppose. You, my friend, are a hero. *slow clap*
