So many different words for the simple, yet complicated act of having sex. You just have to know what goes where, and wham! You’re set. 

Doing the deed, making love, Netflix and chill, coitus, humping

But nobody tells you about the weird positions, the funny little sounds, the weirdness before, during and after. And when nobody tells you, you’re bound to explore, and in the course, make some silly judgments. But, hey! Silly mistakes are bound to happen with so much going on, right? 

With so much confusion brewing, we had to know some stories to be on the safer side. So, we asked some nice people about their weirdest, funniest, and just plain bad sex stories. They agreed and thanks to them, we now know the many do’s and dont’s of sex.

So go ahead, and learn a thing or two from them (Actually, don’t):

1. Thanks, but no thanks.

So this one time I decided to sleep with a guy on the first date. Bad decision, I know. But in my defense, I was nursing a broken heart. Anyway, so I had been talking to him for a couple of weeks but had just met him. We went out for a nice dinner. He was intelligent and decent looking as well.

We went back home and started making out. One thing led to the other and we started having sex. I realized he was not good. He literally did not know what to do. And then, to top it off, right in the middle of the deed, he said ‘I love you’. Instant turn off. I just stopped him right there and asked him to leave. Worst experience ever! – Mo-desi Girl

2. First time with a girl. Friend’s birthday. Rooftop.

Everyone’s high as fuck. I am lying down on a bean bag. Girl comes and lies down next to me. Shit starts to go down. We decide to move it to a rooftop shed. There’s not much in that room. Two chairs, a table and a rack stacked with old newspapers. We’re making out and this other guy who was hitting on her keeps walking past the door, casually glancing inside. Drinking from a bottle of whiskey like he’s fucking Dev Das. He’s killing the mood.

Suddenly, I remember something I saw in a movie so I lift her up and put her on the table. As it turns out, it was a glass table. A poorly balanced glass table. She fell on her ass while the glass shattered really loudly below her. Thankfully, she was wearing jeans so she didn’t get hurt. Except for falling on her ass. She looks up at me, I look down at her. We stare at each other for a second and start laughing. I mean, we’re hysterical. Partially because of the situation, partially because of the weed. Laughed ourselves out of being aroused.- Dopester

Check Out – Short Erotic Stories

3. The girl your parents would instantly approve of.

So me, my friend, his girlfriend, and a girl that I know went to Shimla for a weekend. So, me and this girl did not know each other super well but she showed interest in me. I asked her to accompany me to Shima and she agreed. Shimla mein we booked two rooms, one for us and one for my friend and his girlfriend. But, in the night, she told my friend’s girlfriend, ‘I don’t want to sleep in the same room with a guy before marriage. Can I sleep with you?’

The girlfriend had no option but agreed. My friend and I slept together. Usne mujhe aaj tak maaf nahi kiya. Sasuriya

4. The one who got too less

There is nothing like good sex and bad sex. Either you have sex or you don’t. The most horrendous sex story is to not get sex at all. – Purushottam

5. When bathroom becomes your haven.

So this one time I was at my girlfriend’s place and she had assured that she’s not expecting anyone throughout the day. We got into the act. Sadly, she has a dog, and I am super allergic to dogs. So, we tied him in the balcony. 

After a while, the bell rang. It was her dad. So I just pushed all my clothes and my footwear under the bed and ran towards the washroom. And guess what? She had just one washroom at her place. Her dad worked near by, and he had come home to pee.

Now, I am standing there, stark naked, with a boner. And her dad wants to use the loo. Thankfully, she had joined me inside. In the meanwhile, her dad had freed the dog from the balcony and that motherfucker is angry. He leads her father to the bathroom door, and starts banging his paws on the door, indicating that the fucker is inside. Her father is getting anxious as he is running late now. By this time, he has repeatedly asked her to come out and she suggests that I drink up the rat killer which was in the bathroom. I did consider it because getting caught naked was not an option for me. Never ever catch me naked with your daughter! But then I asked her to tell her dad that she has some girl problem, and that she’ll take time. He waited for a long time, but he gave up and left. My heart almost stopped beating and then after he was gone, we resumed. That motherfucker rocky!

– McDreamy

6. And it’s a wrap – Part 1.

So I was crushing over this guy a few years ago like it was no one’s business. And I feel like he was aware of it, even though he’d keep acting cooler than thou. But one night, after a party at a common friend’s house, he landed up at my crib and while I was persistent that we will keep it all PG 13, and just literally sleep on the same bed without any action, things took a strange turn.

I had told him I won’t be having sex with him, just to get that out of the way, but after sharing some soft kisses, he whispered in my ear, “Something’s up!”, and showed me his erect dick, which was literally up. “Oh damn,” is how I responded. Eventually, I had to give him a hand job to finish him, but after that was over, he sort of kissed me, caressed my arm, told me “It’s done,” tuned over and slept. And then he went on to acting cooler than thou for the rest of our lives. – Ms Handy Girl

7. Because work, bitch!

So once we were having sex while expecting a really important phone call. She was on top when the phone rang and she automatically reached for it. The very thought of that incident brings all the searing pain right back to me. – Sivaji

8. The name that shall never be taken again

One night I got damn drunk and it was right after a messy break up. I ended up sleeping with a guy who was a prospective going-to-be boyfriend. It was the best sex I ever had. But the guy never called me, leaving me confused and a little heartbroken. 

Later, I found out that while doing it, I was calling him by my ex’s name. Till date, I don’t remember doing that. I got to know about it only when he spoke to my best friend and I haven’t been able to look him in the eye ever since. – Goddess

9. The inspiring story of commitment and courage

So one of my friends is extremely excited about losing his virginity to his longtime, also, virgin girlfriend. All good. He manages to convince one of my friends to let him do it in his apartment which works out for him. About an hour later, our man and his girlfriends walk out (very little eye contact), and leave.

The story is then recited to us the next day. Very sexy mood setting and foreplay was going on (mind you both of them are inexperienced). And, then disaster. Our man has her lying on her back, legs in the air, getting ready to eat her out. He parts her cheeks to go for it and there it is. A tiny little turd stuck next to her asshole.

If I remember correctly, he very craftily kept it going and wiped it off (I don’t know how, he couldn’t mention) and went for it. We were all a little too grossed out to prod but yeah, I think he said something along the lines of, “It’s ruined bro.” – The Tornado

10. All wet things are not nice.

So this one time, I was making out with this guy with the intention of sex. I wasn’t particularly attracted to him but I knew him well enough to think may be he’d be a decent bet to scratch the itch. My clothes came off, and my eyes were closed.

And then I feel like this wetness on my stomach. This guy had dropped a huge, gross gob of spit on me. I wasn’t horny anymore. I was done, stopped and said I had to go. – Bgcrr

11. Glasses can be a huge turn on.

So this one time I was going out with this chick who was a huge nerd. She was a great friend and after a night of boozing, we sort of decided to do it (That sounds weird but it wasn’t a decision as such). 

Just when we started doing it, she went “Houston, he’s in.” It was hilarious, but yeah, that’s a true story. :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:

– Nerddigger

12. The genius idea which took things to another level.

I was dating this guy who was much older than me, almost 12 years, but our jobs were quite hectic so we couldn’t spend much time with each other during the day. So I started crashing at his place quite often. I had earlier dated his flatmate too so it was very awkward in the beginning but I got over it in a week or so. The first time we had sex, it was a nightmare. It just wasn’t working for me and he was trying way too much and I had lost interest mid way, so I just faked it to get it over with. This surely was the worst sex anyone could ever have but I couldn’t tell the guy as we had just started going out. I thought he felt it too but that wasn’t the case so I just went with the flow.

We tried again and it was just as bad. Since I was crashing at his place almost every night, I knew I couldn’t avoid sex for much longer and at the time I felt I had a ‘genius’ idea. The moment we got into bed, I would pretend that I had slept off already. It worked for a couple of days but I knew this charade couldn’t continue. The next time I was ‘fake sleeping’, he shook me to wake me up. If I had pretended any longer, he would’ve thought that I had passed out or something. I was contemplating my next move. To wake up or not to wake up. But the situation was just so funny that I burst out laughing. Guess what I pretended next? ‘I had a funny dream and I was laughing at that.’ Worst ‘genius’ idea ever.

We broke up in a month. – Buttercups

13. When you become way too daring.

Had sex in the balcony, didn’t realize we dozed off there. Woke up naked under a sheet in broad daylight. – Tester

14. All that glitters is not really gold.

Crushed on a guy real hard for about 2 years. there was a lot of sexual tension all the time. But we were close friends, so nothing happened. 

Recently, I went to Goa with him. Drinking happened and we manned up and said fuck it, we’re adults. Pretty massive build-up, right? We were on the bed, clothes came off, and he slid inside of me, stayed perfectly still for 15 seconds, give or take. And then he pulled out and very awkwardly told me, he had finished. 15 seconds. Maybe 20. – Saraswatea (named after her parents’ favourite beverage.)

15. And it was a wrap – Part 2.

So I met this childhood friend after a long time. We spent some time together, started meeting almost everyday, or whenever we got time. So this one time, I called him home just to chill. But things got a bit out of hand. Quite literally.

I’m giving him a hand job, and he’s barely touching me anywhere. And whoops! He’s done in 10 seconds. 10 freaking seconds man! I never let him touch me again. We are good friends though.

– Strawberry Crusher

Hits and misses. Trial and error. It’s all about experimentation. But do take cue!

Cheers to Akanksha Pushp for the oh-so-naughty illustrations!