1. Asking you to dress “properly” because guests are arriving. 

If guests are going to be looking at you inappropriately, maybe they shouldn’t be allowed inside the house. 

2. Study now, have fun later in life.

It is the biggest lie that Desi parents have told us and they have lied to us a lot. It doesn’t get fun later. You’ll be an adult, It’ll suck bollocks. 

3. Always respect your elders. 

This is the longest-running con in the Indian sub-continent. Every child from this part of the world is told to respect their elders but are never provided with a reason to do so. They will tell you elders know better. That’s a straightass lie.

I doubt Bijnor wale fufa ji who still thinks peacocks don’t have sex but use tears to reproduce, knows more than you. 

4. Always be humble. 

Always is a bit of a stretch. Take credit for the work you do, any work you do, paid or not, projects or examinations, if you did it, claim it. Take off your pants, raise a leg and pee on it if you would like to mark your territory. The world’s rough and nobody cares if you’re humble. 

5. Raajneeti se dur raho, padhai pe dhyaan do.

But, but, what if you are a Political Science major? That complicates things quite a bit. 

6. Police ke maamle mein nahi padna hai.

This doesn’t necessarily mean calling the cops on kids making out in parks. This is generally used as an excuse by our Indian middle class to rid itself of all moral responsibility as crimes are being committed, This is a weird time in our history but as a general rule of thumb, step in and call the cops if your neighbour is beating up his poor wife.

7. When parents don’t want you to wash dirty laundry in public… “Ghar ka maamla” and all that hoopla. 

It’s not really an internal matter if your dad is sending your mum crashing through the wall, is it? Your mum is not a cartoon character, that mum shaped hole in the wall will kill her. Call the neighbours, call for help, call the bloody cops. 

8. Love ke chakkar mein mat pado, arranged marriage be the best!

No, you child. You have watched a million romcoms in your life. Literally, all of Bollywood is based on the idea of romance. Go be in love, sing and dance, and fail your exams. It’s fine. Don’t listen to your parents.

We all love our mums and we know had it not been for arranged marriages, they could have really done better than our fathers. Think about it, our mums are so perfect but our dads lick all their fingers one by one after every meal and burp loudly. Everytime. 

9. There are defined roles for men and women. 

Hate to break it to you man, but gender itself is not definitive. So, whatever life choices you make, you can safely remove the gender column from that pros and cons list. 

10. Be men. 

Sure. Or don’t. That’s your call to make. Being men has its privileges but it can totally ruin your career if you have molested someone. Lol JK, it won’t. *chuckles awkwardly on behalf of all men* 

11. Don’t hang out with ‘that’ guy. 

That guy is normally really cool. Mostly they are just from a different class or caste or religion than you and your parents are a bit classist, casteist bigoted etc. Other times they are creepy drug dealers in which case, your parents are right and you should probably not hang out with them. 

12. “Don’t talk to boys. They all want the same thing.”

It’s true. But what if you are a girl/woman who also wants the same thing? 

13. When parents tell you that only they know what’s best for you. 

They probably do, until the age of about 18. And then if you can vote, you can make your own decisions. This doesn’t mean, drop out of college and trying to become a professional athlete after smoking 15 Gold flakes a day during your hostel days. 

Obviously your parents want what’s best for you but they are not that up to date with the world, which is where you come in with your fancy education.