How many times have you noticed your guy friends putting women’s lives and opinions aside as if they are the most unimportant things to exist on this planet? You know, seeing a guy friend downplay women’s humour, expertise and intelligence or wisdom?
Yeah well, that counts as misogyny. And in my personal opinion, we women owe it to ourselves and the women around us to stop entertaining it!
Disclaimer: The information ahead contains mention of sexual assault and domestic violence, and might be distressing and triggering to read. Readers’ discretion advised.
Which is why this Reddit thread about women discussing the misogynistic things they’ve heard their guy friends say, is so interesting to read. It’s straight up educational. So, let’s take a look at this relatable AF thread, shall we?
1. I once had two male roommates. One once asked how taxes worked when he worked abroad. Our female roommate was a tax lawyer with 4 years of experience, but he insisted on asking the male roommate who was an HR intern. I love working out; I am a former athlete and teach yoga and he wanted advice on a routine, but insisted on asking a man who “knows what he is doing.” I told him about body weight exercises he could start practicing. Now he peacocks about lifting heavier free weights but still cannot touch his toes and has bad posture…
2. I used to share an apartment with two guys. Once, one of them (who was indeed quite misogynistic) came home a bit sad, as some girl he liked had told him that he acted misogynistic sometimes, and he couldn’t believe her. He kept on asking: “Do I really act misogynistic?”. I told him “YES,” and then… he asked the other guy we lived with, as he probably trusted his opinion more. I mean, point proven.
3. When my cousin made a rude remark about female drivers, I reminded him that he has crashed at least two times. It was enough to shut him up with a shit eating grin.
4. My friend sometimes gives me shit for driving too cautiously and I swear I’m so close to saying “bro you’ve been in like 5 accidents STFU please.”
5. One of my good male friends said I shouldn’t sleep with a man until at least the 6th date otherwise they wouldn’t respect me, and that that’s why I get dumped. At first I thought, “Hmm maybe I should try that!” But then I thought, “No, that’s just a bollocks excuse for guys to act badly. Why should women be judged for sleeping with someone if they want to? Men can do whatever they like, but we have to be ‘worth’ the chase.” I have no time for these kinds of games. Perhaps it is true for some guys and they do lose respect for you if you sleep with them on a first or second date, but these aren’t the kind of men I want in my life!
6. Overheard someone ask a good male friend if he has a lot of female friends and he said “Yeah I got lotsa hoes hanging out with me.” I was fucking PISSED. Dropped him as a friend almost instantly, which is a shame because I knew him for years and he was a nice guy but he referred to all women as “hoes,” it turns out.
7. An old school friend was incredibly “pro life,” despite there being no uterus between him or his current partner to speak of. He’d deliberately send myself and another girl graphic (yet medically incorrect) pro life images of ‘aborted’ fetuses, incorrect stats, and the general disgusting propaganda pro life people generate. When told to stop, he would not. What was ironic was that he was a gay man with no uterus to speak of, who would talk about how he should be able to do what he wants with his body (and he is right!) yet would turn around and tell women what to do with their bodies. A walking contradiction, is what I would call him. I’m no longer friends with him because I didn’t feel like tolerating his bullshit views anymore.
8. About a superior at my job who has a PhD in engineering and years of technical experience: “She’s hot, but damn she’s a bitch!” I told him never to say anything like that again and pointed out that he would never even think that about a male colleague. He apologized, got really embarrassed, and never did it again.
9. OMG, I had a friend of mine say, “You look like you’re begging to get raped.” This was early morning, and I had just out of bed with a t-shirt and sweats on.
10. When my ex boyfriend punched me in a group setting, my male friends didn’t say anything at first and then came up to me one by one after a while saying something to justify the situation. Because of that social situation, the DV (domestic violence) got worse because my abuser knew he could now get away without social repercussions. I responded horribly, I was naïve and it crushed me. It changed my life completely and how I viewed the world and especially men.
11. In high school my best friend commented on my leg hair and told me it was gross. I didn’t say anything, but started shaving my legs after that for a few years. Eventually I stopped again. I was bitter about it for 8 years until one day I brought it up to him in our early 20s. He said he doesn’t remember making that comment, but he’s very sorry and no longer feels that way at all, and I’m perfectly fine keeping all my natural body hair. He was just an immature 14-year-old.
12. This was about 20 years ago when Scrubs was popular. A male coworker was talking with our mutual boss in front of me and both of them were laughing about how the attending doctor called the intern/resident by a girl’s name all the time. And how funny and insulting it was, Ha ha ha. I said “I don’t think it’s funny. I get called by a girl’s name.” I should have just asked repeatedly why it was funny. Anyhow, my comment was met with dead silence. It was in the military and I had so much happen that proved the existence of sexism – slow progression, lack of professional support, etc. It was such a gender biased environment.
13. IDK if this goes here but my male friends have the habit of not laughing when we (females) say something funny, but as soon as one of them repeats it, it becomes funny. In my opinion, they have integrated the opinion that females can’t be as funny as them. I know it might sounds silly, but in the long term it’s really annoying.
14. I was on a first date with a divorced man and he was complaining about his ex so I said, “Well, you were married for a long time so there must have been really good times too, so maybe think about that instead.” And then I added, “What were the good things you liked about her?” Just to make the conversation more positive. He responded with, “She was really good at decorating and keeping the house nice and clean, sending kids to their events and she always had meals prepared”. So I said, “Oh, was she a SAHM?” He goes on to tell me she was a professional and had a great career. The whole time, I was thinking about how he thought her most important aspects were what she could do to make his life easier, not necessary what made her life fulfilling. He would have never mentioned her career if I hadn’t asked. It’s very telling.
15. He defended Brett Kavanaugh and other men who had been accused during #MeToo. This is after I told him I am a survivor of sexual assault. I cut him off from my life.
16. A couple of nights ago my friend said that he wants to have a threesome with 2 lesbians. I told him that lesbians would absolutely not want to have sex with him. He then said some transphobic joke about how “If I feel like a woman that day, wouldn’t that make me a lesbian?” I just got up and walked away, left him alone at the table LOL. I don’t have the energy to educate people who are harmful to me.
17. I was being catcalled by a bunch of drunk guys when I was walking downtown with my boyfriend (at that time). The last drunk guy in the catcalling group apologized to my boyfriend. And then my boyfriend responded “It’s okay…” like I was an object of his. I wasn’t a person. I was his possession. I was so stunned. I was more pissed that my partner never said, “Apologize to her.”
18. A close friend of several years said that rape is a crime of opportunity. I avoided him for the next year and a half. At some point I told him how terrifying that statement was and while he explained what he meant, it did not change the underlying concept of “if he can get away with it somehow, he may do it’ as a reason for rape. Which is… Fucked up. Another person I know said that they have considered going to a sex worker so they won’t have to care or be invested in whether the worker is enjoying themselves or to be invested in them in any way. I snapped and said that they can always buy a Fleshlight and not involve another person, even if it’s just a job, that is still a person and not caring about their wellbeing or if they are enjoying it is really, really fucked up. I am unsure if they understood. I am quoting people who are well educated, smart, support women, are left learning.
19. A guy friend was going on about how if he ever dated a woman who made more money than him, then he would work multiple jobs so he could be “the provider.” I had to ask him why he was so outraged at the idea, it would theoretically make his life easier if his partner earned more. He couldn’t really give me a good answer.
20. A male friend (about 30) was dating an older woman who had a teenage daughter. While he was telling me about it over dinner one night, he said something along the lines of “And of course you always want the mother and the daughter”. Please note this is my first time seeing him after putting my stepfather in prison for the rest of his life for molesting my sister and hiding a video recording device in the family bathroom. When I tell you I CHECKED THAT SHIT REAL QUICK and spewed my disgust for that comment all over the world, believe it. He got a full rebuke and diatribe on how sick that thought is, how being trusted to be around a partner’s child is not an invitation to sexualize that child who yes, even if she looks like a grown woman, is absolutely still a fucking child. I don’t know if he was stunned at my reaction or that I picked up on it, but he apologized profusely, claimed it was a joke, something you see in porn, etc. It definitely altered things between us. That relationship didn’t last long afterwards anyway, but he was definitely a lot more sensitive to not be disgusting after that.
21. A really good friend from college has a “type”. He likes women who are insecure about their appearance. At the time, he loved that One Direction song about loving a girl who “doesn’t know she’s beautiful,” or whatever. He said he liked this because it showed she had humility and sensitivity, which was attractive. To be clear, I’ve watched him be in a million relationships and he definitely isn’t abusing these girls. He isn’t the kind who likes it because it makes them easier to control, if anything they control him. He just thinks that insecurity = a “nice” girl.
All these remind me of the times I watched my male professors be a little too cool with their male students (to the point where they gossiped about female students’ romantic relationships). Mentally facepalmed and cringed over this a 100 times.