One of the cutest dictatorships the world has seen this last century never fails to amuse us. Don’t get me wrong, the plight of the average North Korean is horrendous, but I can’t help but burst out laughing at the kind of abysmal lies the Korean propaganda machine has succeeded in perpetuating. We’re talking about Beavis and Butthead level retardation that you wouldn’t believe if I were to tell you while we were chilling with friends. 

The North Korean propaganda system is fairly straight-forward in the fact that it has simply cut off its citizens from any connection with the world outside. And, the Korean Central News Agency pretty much handles all of the bullshit rumours spread as news to the country. 

So, we have reason to believe that these outlandish myths about the leaders of North Korea that defectors and visitors to the country have attested to, are actually believed to be plain facts by the general citizenship.

Personal note: I shall encourage you to laugh your asses off to this bit. But, remember that these simpletons have no semblance of the truth and progress outside of what they’ve been told. Also, they’ll get executed if they were to be like, “I smell bullshit on this.” Any and all of the ‘facts’ here are largely recorded in biopics (about the leaders), hear-say and official notes by the North Korean government. I say this ’cause this shit is outrageous.


Here are 10 obviously false facts about the Kims that North Koreans believe are true.


Since, American influences are pretty much unheard of, Minju Joson, the North Korean newspaper published that Kim Jong-Il invented a brand new sandwich. Quality food for Korea’s university teachers and students that was called “Double bread with meat.” Yep, it’s just a regular a hamburger. Master chef; check.


This is a special ‘Kim level’ kind of weird. Only government officials are allowed to use the Internet which is banned for the general public. The reason, whether you believe it or not, is apparently to protect the reputation of the West and prevent North Koreans from harbouring unnecessary hatred toward them, because of all the filth on the internet. That’s right. No Pornhub. Crucify him for his crimes against humanity. 


I really couldn’t make this up, even if I tried. In fact, popular legend states that Kim Jong-Il even rounded up all people with dwarfism – under the guise of ‘curing’ it – in North Korea and exiled them in a bid to rid the ‘problem’ from the gene-pool. Expert geneticist; check.


This requires some explanation, I know. Well, apparently the good folk of Korea believe that the Kims are of supernatural descent. The kind of superheroes who don’t need to take a dump or piss like the rest of us mere mortals. I imagined a classified spy/agent assigned to keep this government secret in the shadows. Kim’s turd, after all, is a matter of national security. No kidding.


You thinking what I’m thinking? It probably rained every time our man had a hard on, right? Also, it is believed that Kim Jong-Il’s birth, which happened in the middle of winter, changed the season into spring. It stayed winter.


Kim Jong-Il’s record breaking golf round was an all of 38 under par on a regulation golf course. And, this was just the first time he played the game. That’s a whole 25 shots better than the best round of golf in history. Oh, and he also wrote like 1500 books and six full-length operas. He probably even shits diamonds. Sorry, he doesn’t shit.


This was news that was reported to the world, not just the locals. There seems to be a lair of unicorns in Pyongyang which was discovered by Archaeologists from the Academy of Social Sciences at North Korea’s History Institute, when the found [pause] a stone slab with the words “Unicorn Lair”. I feel like I can die now.


During the occupation of Korea by Japanese imperialists in 1910, Korea was thieved of about half an hour. Kim Jong-Un the revolutionary that the man is stole it back from them on August 15, 2015, and saved the world. He just told the country to turn their clocks back by 30 minutes. Time-travelling saviour of the world; check.


Right. If a helicopter counts as mountain climbing. Kim Jon-Un, the chubby brat has been said to have scaled the highest mountain in North Korea,   

Seemingly, none of the diseases that ever caused wide spread panic across the world made it to the North Korean shores. They had cures for most of them before they even popped up. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that Kim’s full of shit. Ebola, AIDS, SARS, and I’m sure even death wouldn’t pose much of a problem for the almighty Kim, since he is a miracle worker. 


There you go. The conflict between whether you should LOL or lock yourself away in disdain is completely onto you.