“Yes. I am the mathematician who’s going to get you so laid.”

And so, Dr. Clio Cresswell begins, getting straight to the point, like any proper mathematician would. Among the many important questions that have plagued our race, the ones pertaining to sex and relationships have confounded humanity for eons.

Until now, perhaps. A senior lecturer in mathematics at the University of Sydney, Dr Cresswell brought together two of the subjects most people know almost nothing about (that’s maths and relationships, btw) and actually made sense of it all. Sort of.

Like this first equation which she says predicts with a 95% accuracy rate whether whether newly wed couples will still be together in 6 years time.

I’m orgasming already.

That variable you see at the end of each equation is the influence factor. Basically Dr. Cresswell went on to say that “couples which responded the least to each other had a better chance at a successful marriage.”

So, I don’t have to give her all those foot massages?!

Yeah, we were a little perplexed as well. That little tidbit goes against every school of thought we’ve been exposed to when it comes to relationships. She says,”Having high standards for each other seems to be the way to go”. Mathematically anyway.

She then goes on to breaks down the formula of romance, which makes for some pretty interesting viewing. Most relationships aren’t one big ascent, it’s a freaking mountain range with glorious highs (she’s replied to my text! YUSSS!) and soul-sucking lows (OHMYGOD it’s been two whole minutes why hasn’t she responded?!).

These equations look at which personality types are the most likely to have a stable relationship together. Kinda like Tinder without all the swiping.

And at this point she reaches one of the biggest flashpoints when it comes to relationships and sex. How many people have you slept with?

“Men report”, she says, “on average having had sex with 2 to 4 times as many women than women do men. This does not make sense.”

Unless you’re Charlie Sheen, she adds.

I wouldn’t have made this list.

And here’s where she gets into really interesting territory. Hormones. So here’s the equation for women’s hormones.

So naturally, we expected the equation for men’s hormone to be a little simpler. And then we saw this:

FYI, we couldn’t fit whole equation in the screenshot.

Evidently, getting messages from the brain to your testicles is a lot more complicated than we thought. Apparently we men have our own ‘peaks’ and ‘slumps’ with mini fluctuations happening throughout the day.

Dr. Cresswell finally talks about the evolution of mathematical thought and the impact of abstract thinking on the brain.

All in all, it’s a pretty illuminating talk and helps you see that dreaded enemy, mathematics, in a whole new light. I probably haven’t done enough justice to the video, so I’d suggest you spare some time and give Dr. Cresswell’s talk a view.

All screenshots and gifs sourced from TedX unless specified.