Our culture is very rich. Quite literally, we love our gold. We drink like a fish, our movies are better than Bollywood and our food is to die for. In a nutshell, we’re quite desirable. In fact, we’re so awesome that people either want to be with us or want to be like us. 

So if at some point in your life, you’ve wanted to be an awesome Malayali (like yours truly), just follow these zimple things:  

1. Firstly, learn the basic words – Ayyo, Chuma, Kashtam, Chetta, Chechi, Poda, Sheri. Consult this glossary. 

2. If you’re a guy, start growing a beard. Nothing says Malayali like facial hair does.

3. Ladies, buy a kasavu saree and wear it on every occasion to show you’re a true Malayali. 

4. As for men, buy a MCR kasavu mundu and wear it with a jubba. 

While you’re at it, learn how to roll it up and tie it as well. I’ve been told it’s a huge turn on. 

5. Take offence when someone calls you a mallu. Take offence when they call you a madrasi. Take offence if they ask if you understand Malayali. 

Say “Poda patti” & scoot aayikyo!

6. Learn how to pronounce Pazham, Mazha, Uralakizhangu and other such words. Here’s some help.  

If you know how to say these words, you should be fine. 

7. Buy & wear a lot of gold – rings, earrings, bangles, chains… Anything you can get your hands on. 

Basically, be like Bappi Lahiri. 

8. Train your liver so that you can drink like a fish. 

Start by drinking one peg, increase the intake every day till you’re shit-faced!

9. Go to Dufai. Or have a relative who works in Dufai. Ask him to get you things from the Gelf!   

10. Change your name. Give yourself the most Malayali name like Gifty or Jessy.

11. On Onam, go crazy with the sadhya. 

Don’t hold back. Make all the 26 dishes. 

12. Start using coconut – grated, shavings, chunks – in everything, in all shapes and form. 

 Add some curry leaves to show your seriousness about being a Malayali.

13. Brush up on your Mohanlal & Mammootty knowledge. Pick a side and fight about it passionately. 

14. Make love to a pappadum. I mean, make pappadum your love.

15. When the rainy season beckons, only use Popy kooda. 

Don’t forget to sing the jingle. Mazha mazha, kooda kooda, mazha vannal Popy kooda! 

16. Make sure you put a little bit of coconut oil everyday. Of course, on your hair, you perv!

Make sure it is KPL Shudhi and not Parachute. 

17. Watch Manichithrathazhu. Then diss every Bollywood movie because they keep copying from us. 

18. Make sure you have these things at home – 

Vanitha 

Manorama Calendar

Arogyam 

19. Start eating with your hands. 

Directions to eat: 

• Mix everything.
• Roll it in your palm.
• Make a ball. Pop it in your mouth. 

20. Make porotta-beef your soulmate.

21. Last but not least, learn to write your name in Malayalam. Just to make you seem authentic.

Follow these easy steps and become an authentic Malayali in 7 days!