If I had a rupee for every time I watched a horror film and the characters in it did all the stupid shit I screamed at my screen not to do, and then proceeded to die… then I’d be no richer, really, ’cause I don’t scream at my screen a lot. But hey, we’ve all preemptively called it on movie deaths WAY too many times, for the characters to still be making those same goddamn textbook horror story mistakes that get their asses killed.
So why indeed, are horror movie characters so dumb, that they simply fail to examine their options rationally and make decisions that will simply not get them killed? As a part of their audience, don’t we have the right to ask… what the actual fuck?!
Why would you stick around in the haunted house/woods/random abandoned building even though it’s clearly haunted? WHY?!
You moved into a ancient home that has a shady-looking basement, sure. The old man estate-keeper already gives you the creeps, I guess it’s still alright. But if I were you, I’d definitely pack my bags and be out the door in 30 seconds, DEFCON 1 style, the first time the wallpapers started to bleed. I mean, these are the kind of red flags that would alarm the shit out of any sane person! If you decide to stick around and unravel the freakshow – supernatural or old school psychotic – that’s behind it all, you’re basically asking for a horror movie death.
Following a curious sound or investigating a dark room? Really? This is Horror 101 stuff, guys.
Like seriously, if you’re the kind of person who hears a dripping faucet, a creaky door or faint footsteps in a distinctly dark part of your location, and you go off to identify the source of said noise, you deserve to die, son. Everybody knows, rookies! You hear somethin’ fishy in the darkness, you STAY MUTHAFUCKIN’ PUT.
Ooh. Let’s split up! We’ll cover more ground AND die quicker!
They think they’re being soooo smart suggesting that the gang go different ways – to look for the way out or their missing friend or common sense maybe – but you and I know just how dumb that is. Even if they don’t die during the search, some of their friends (the funny ones, often minorities) most certainly will. Apparently no one ever told these Einsteins that the fewer you are, the more dying you’re likely to do.
There’s usually one person who has answers. And somehow literally no one ever listens to him or her!
The old lady you met who seemed a bit creepy, the man at the gas station you stopped at on the way, or your own friend who’s a bit too into the supernatural for his own good. These are the people who were talking sense the whole time. And maybe, just maybe you could’ve avoided your dark and fucked up horror movie fate if you had listened to them and ‘never come back’ instead of basically digging your own grave.
Which brings me to… the absolute nipple that says ‘it’s probably nothing’.
Here are the horror movie facts, straight up, kindergarten style. You’re in some sort of danger. And it’s because of something. Right? It’s probably something. And since ‘something’ and ‘nothing’ are not the same thing… yep, you guessed it. ‘It’s probably nothing’ is the stupidest thing that could come out of your practically-already-dead mouth when scary shit goes down!
If you’re going to hide, PLEASE find a better hiding spot than inside a closet or under the bed.
Seriously, we’d really appreciate some originality, people. Whatever it is that’s out to get you is obviously going to look for your out-of-breath bitch-ass in the two most cliche hiding places, and it’s going to enjoy dragging you out of there. If you want any chance at escaping brutal death, you have to get out from ‘behind’ that potted plant, get creative and find a nook that not every dipshit that decides to kill people would think of.
When running away from danger how do people forget how to fuckin’ RUN? It’s literally all you had to do.
When you finally get a headstart on the bloody thing with its heart set on ending you, when you get that scant shot at escape and survival, when it all rests on your ability to run and run fast… how in the name of whale testicles do you mess that up? Is tripping over things lying conspicuously in your way, or leaves or air, like a fuckin’ imbecile, something that could’ve been avoided? Or are you really just that bad at running?
In a horror movie situation, guys, it’s okay for bravery to take a chill fuckin’ pill.
Okay, I do feel a bit weird saying this… but seriously, if I were in a haunted house, and heard my BFF scream bloody murder in the other room, chaahe jitni gehri dosti ho, I’m probably going to weigh my options before running into the darkness to *quote* SAVE *unquote* her. In fact, I would be far better cast as the brave person that is so brave that they hold people back despite having heard the scream, so they don’t run into the darkness.
Keep it in your pants, people. Sex is good. But avoiding death-by-ghost is even better.
I know, as ridiculous as this mistake is, it’s a bit more understandable. We all gots to get laid, amirite? But winks and nudges aside, do not, I repeat, do not have sex in the spooky barn or abandoned mental asylum or fucked up forest, guys. We’ve seen enough movies to know that whatever evil force is bothering you, will NOT take kindly to the fact that two consensual (usually super-hot) adults are making the most of the situation’s tension. *sigh* Maybe the evil force needs to get laid too.
Well, here’s hoping that, God forbid, if you ever find yourself watching yet another horror movie where the characters don’t have a muthafuckin’ clue… you will know exactly what to yell at the screen (or in your mind, if you’re like me).