Note: This is a work of ‘satire’. Anushka Sharma’s social media person didn’t write this. Although it could be if they find my Linkedln account. (  .___.)

Hello. So, Virat Kohli stepped down and Anushka wrote a very heartfelt letter for him. And then my job began, which is basically just looking at her social media platforms, reading all the stuff a lot of you have managed to write, proving the crippling lack of love in your lives. 

Sky Sports

I mean, for real guys, just because everyone has access to the internet, doesn’t mean you have to type out, rather poorly, I must add, every opinion you have ever had. This is so weird. Back in the day if you wanted to f**k a hedgehog, you kept it to yourself. Now you find a community of people who want to f**k hedgehogs and together you f**k hedgehogs. 

I hope you know you don’t have to do it – the blaming Anushka for Kohli’s bad days, the blaming Anushka for the Indian team’s bad days, the blaming Anushka for being in the same country as Virat, the blaming Anushka for having a baby during a Test tour, and the blaming Anushka for that shampoo ad she did all those years ago with Virat. You don’t have to do any of it. 

You do realise that they are married and have a kid. Spouses are meant to be present for their partners, through thick and thin, right? That’s how the whole institution of marriage works, or is supposed to work, at least. 

I mean, who the actual f**k abuses a couple for being together while one of them brings a new life into the world and the other wants to be by her side. 

Aww, He MiSsEd A cOuPlE Of GaMeS, did he? If it’s such a bother, why don’t you pad up and go play for the country? 

Oh, you would, if you could, but let’s be honest, you suck at most things. And no, don’t you f**king dare say, you had to quit because of an injury. You suck, and your parents lied through their teeth when they had you convinced of your talent. No, you were always a volatile a**hole and your parents were worried you would turn out to be a sociopath. So, they made shit up to massage your ego.

Unfortunately, that didn’t pan out very well. I mean, what the f**k kind of human being screams rape threats at people, let alone aims it at a toddler? 


And now, you’re losing your shit because Anushka wrote a very sentimental letter about a major event in her husband’s life. What happened there? What’s your rationalisation for all the hatred that letter got? You never saw your daddy being nice to your mommy? Are they trapped in a loveless union, you irredeemable f**kwit? Oh, your poor mum!

If I sound pissed, it’s because I am. See, when I signed up to be the social media guy (executive sounds too important) for a Bollywood star I imagined it would be difficult. 

I mean, she is an A-lister, who acts in and produces films that are bold in nature. She’s kinda outspoken. So I expected the same old bootleg brand of trolling that you would find on any actress’ Insta post. Like the creepy thirsty comments and the sanskari stuff and the whataboutery and the constant comparisons to yesteryear actresses and how women should dress. 


Little did I know that one shampoo ad, and I would have to deal with every half-wit hairless ape who’s ever played bat-ball as a kid. I wish, that old uncle who didn’t let you play in the society wasn’t that old so that he could have chased your dumbasses straight to hell. 


I hope you get chaffed every day of your miserable life, you f**king twits. I have carpal tunnel scrolling through your hate-filled comments and messages in the DM. 

I am just kidding, we don’t check DMs. You are a bigger moron than you think if you are actually sending DMs. I mean, come on. If that girl you have known since high school hasn’t seen your texts, why would you think Anushka f**kn Sharma would check her DMs for you? 

What else what else? Oh yeah, we are still to address why you do what you do. So answer me. Why do you think Anushka Sharma is to blame for Virat’s failures? And why on Earth would you think she needs recognition? 

Like, why are you comparing her to Dravid’s spouse or Sachin’s? Neither of their spouses is a public figure. Anushka Sharma is. As a matter of fact, she has been a public figure since 2010, well before Virat Kohli was a regular for the Men in Blue. 

I woke up this morning with mixed feelings about Virat. Honestly, I wasn’t sad that he stepped down. I mean, y’all a**holes really went after the man for standing up for a teammate and had him removed from captaincy through the most uncivilised series of events since the 90s. So, I am happy for him. And f*** all of you. 

I was happy, really happy that he stepped down actually. For a very brief moment, I thought this should mean a remarkable loss of quantity when it comes to hate comments. But then I realised this country has 1.5 billion people, most of whom are rabid misogynists. So… f**k my life, I guess!