Hi, myself Jaadu. Some people call me ‘gareebon ka E.T.’
But let me remind all those people that I came much before Avatar.
So take that, bitches!
Anyway, by now, you all must’ve seen Koi Mil Gaya. And even if you haven’t seen it, you all know what the story is.
Which is why I’m here to tell you my side of the story.
Because what you saw back then, was a TOTAL LIE.
It all started when our spaceship made a brief stop on planet Earth. We had no intention of visiting it. But it’s just that we had to stop somewhere midway.
Now, we aliens have realllllly tiny bladders. Which is why, I was the first one to exit the ship ’cause I’d been holding a few gallons of pee for a very long time.
Which is why I took a little more than 20 minutes.
Actually, I took one and a half hours to be precise. And by that time, my asshole friends had already left.
I can’t tell you how sad I felt.
No, not because I got left behind. But out of the 7 billion people on this planet, I was found by a guy called Rohit and his weirdass friends.
This guy right here.
Of all the people, he was the one I stumbled upon.
The only thing they used to do was ride scooters and probably smoke-up after school.
All I wanted to do was use Rohit’s computer to send a mail to my friends on the ship.
Like literally, it’d have taken less than a minute to do it.
But instead, he shoved me in a shitty basket in his shed.
I did try telling him to let me go. But looks like we had a language barrier that was clearly working against me.
They’d keep taking me to random picnics and feeding me shit that all of us were allergic to back on my planet.
I’d keep saying ‘Dhoop’, which in my language, meant S.O.S but these pricks kept shoving me into the sunlight.
Garmi mein marr gaya main.
To add insult to injury, they used to do hideous dance moves in front of me which, back on my planet, are considered highly offensive.
But I finally started warming up to them. Especially when I saw how eager they were to copy my fashion sense.
I realized that Rohit wasn’t that bad either.
Where I come from, the word ‘Rohit’ means ‘good for nothing’.
Poor guy was really happy when I gave him a tumor on his arm. He thought it was biceps.
So much so, that I even decided to not go back to my planet.
Yes, I decided to stay back.
Because I’ll tell you the truth. I was in love with Nisha.
There, I said it.
What’s more, even she was kinda interested in me. We clearly had some vibes between us.
But just when I was about to make a move.
Just when I was getting accustomed to this planet.
Just when I was feeling at ease here.
That fucker Rohit bundled me and sent me back to my planet.
Which is weird, because I kept telling him ki mujhe yahin rehna hai.
But clearly, the communication gap came back to fuck me over once again.
Which is probably why he called up my spaceship, bundled me up and threw me back.
There’s a reason why aliens don’t want to connect with the Earthlings.
Because Earthlings are assholes of the highest order.
Nevertheless, I’d spent some nice moments with Rohit.
So I gave him my planet’s version of herpes as a parting gift. Side effects of which included super strength and high intelligence.
But it’s okay. His powers will last for at least two more sequels.
And maybe after that, I’ll make another trip to planet Earth.