It’s the beginning of December, and weddings are in full swing all across the country. And if you are to be wed, congratulations to you. However, if you are getting married this week, it just seems like nobody, except probably your parents, gives a flying f**k about you. They are all worried about how Salman Khan is going to sneak into Vicky Kaushal and Katrina Kaif’s wedding. 

Wedding School

Or worse, all they want to do is gossip about how Katrina “slept her way to the top.” I mean, GOD DAMN IT, you misogynistic farts!

Imagine yourself, sat down on the cold floor, covered in turmeric or something or getting Mehendi done, and a couple of your South Delhi friends just gossiping about Katrina’s ex-boyfriends!

You know whaaaaa, she broke Ranbir’s heart, yaaa? OMG. So cruel.

-Something something girlboss

(For maximum impact, read that whaaaaa without  ‘T’, but add an ‘N’ pronunciation in the end.)

And you just have to sit there and take it because lets be honest, doesn’t matter if its your wedding, your mum is not allowing you to run around the house covered in turmeric. 


And you don’t wanna slap people with the Mehendi palms. That whole process is exhausting and takes a lot of time. If you have gone full-on tacky and hidden your “hubby’s” name in the Mehendi… well then, nothing, it’s just really tacky! 

Of course, you still have to get the makeup on, and as it is with makeup wale people, they will just discover new problems with your face that you never knew you had in your two decades of existence. 

How do you know I have blackheads? You have microscopes for eyes? 

You know why Katrina doesn’t have blackheads, Simran? Kyunki Rs 200 crore hain uske paas, dhang ke make up wale bula leti hai wo! Why don’t you do Katrina’s make up then She’s got flawless skin, doesn’t she?

*Please note, that little monologue must not be said in public unless you wanna look like Annabelle in your wedding photos*.

LA Times

Speaking of wedding photos, even Chintu, whose primary qualification as a photographer is recording people enjoying their food at the reception has an opinion about drones at their wedding. 

Nahi Chintu, nobody cares and nobody wants to see Agrawal uncle ka ladka hiding in a corner from everybody else and gobbling non-vegetarian food. Shanti se khaane de usey!

On top of that, they will be talking about what Vicky and Katrina will be wearing. Actually, that’s fine, if your wedding is before theirs. Because then, at least they won’t be spending their entire time either criticising what Katrina wore to her wedding. 

This should be about you and not your friends comparing everything you wear or choose to wear to how Katrina would look in them. 


It’s your special day. I am not saying you want gossip columns to do a full feature on you or that we write 12 articles and publish your wedding photos with the cheesiest captions we can think of, as soon as your release them, but it still should be about you. 

Instead, it looks like your wedding is going to be about Vicky-Katrina as well. Hell, even the most pungent of your relatives won’t even be complaining about your choice of partner. 

Ladka writer hai? Gareeb matlab? Kya kya farq padta hai? Vicky to kaala hai, is sey acha writer hi hota. 

-Paan thuk ke Mausa ji

Aise hi sabse useless hote hain fufa/mausa ji during the whole wedding. He is just upset at least 7-8 times a day on average. Uncle, just go get drunk. 

Then there are your high school bros who will just be going on about “How did Vicky bag Katrina?” Firstly, unlike most arranged marriages, I believe there was some mutually agreed bagging involved. At least tum kisi aur ke bande/bandi se shaadi nahi kar rahe ho!

Also, why are they talking about it like if Katrina weren’t marrying Vicky, she would totally go out with them.

Anyhow, we at ScoopWhoop are really sorry but everything IS about Vicky-Katrina. Even this article, which I promised would be about you is actually about them. Clickbait 101!