So PUBG got banned. 

That’s it. That’s the intro. 

Because besides my fundamental views on banning apps in a country with bigger problems, this doesn’t really make me feel anything. 

Unlike my boyfriend, who seems devastated.

And while I am trying to empathise with him, the relief of knowing that he will not spend hours on the phone, is big. 

In fact, since this is likely a permanent ban, I have come up with things he can do with all the time he has in his hands now. Here you go. 

1. Listen to me. Like listen, listen. Listening that elicits a better response than ‘hmm… yeah… haha… crazy’.  

Me: So my colleague got this…you’re not listening.

BF: Puri story suni hai maine, kuch bhi puch lo tum. 

Me: What was I talking about?

BF: Humidity.

2. For a change, look at me instead of weirdly shaped soldiers in a video game.  

Can’t tell the difference between red and pink, but ask him about guns in PUBG. 

3. Think about a future which is more serious than ‘aaj raat sabko maar daalunga‘. 

I am all for kinks, but this is where I draw the line.

4. Revive romance instead of his teammates in PUBG. 


5. Maybe make a real ‘chicken dinner’ this time.

Which, by the way, he never won. *Sorry babe, you sucked at it*.

6. Think of travel destinations instead of f*cking Pochinki. 

Not that we can go anywhere, but one dreams.

7. Apply his new-found love for commitment in our relationship. 

Shots = Fired.

8. Do some house work now!

Jhaadu, pocha, bartan – they might not be as exciting as roaming in a bulletproof vest doing crazy things, but karna padta hai. 

9. Run for chores with as much enthusiasm as he ran around tryna kill people in the game.

Welcome to normal life.

10. Target spiders and lizards I am scared of, since he has become so good at aiming.

Practical application of video games, please. *No killing in this house though*

11. Water the plants.

Jaise bhi khushi mile. 

12. Stop talking to random people on the internet about ‘burying in the bush’. 

Seriously, though. 

13. Think of the other kind of ‘action’, if you know what I mean.  

‘We all know what you mean.’

14. Put his fingers to better use.

Khatam sex jokes, go now. 

Bye, gotta go and be the centre of his universe which I totally am again.