Some time ago, the country was rocked by the mother of all bans, in the form of an all inclusive crackdown on websites not just streaming porn but even showing anything deemed slightly objectionable by the Kim Jong Uns of our country. And then there was a beef ban. And now some people want to ban a person for some Snapchat video he made. I mean, if they don’t like it, then it’s got to go, right? And since anything and everything is now ban-able, there’s a whole other list of mindless things that they should probably ban as well. Because it offends me.
Here’s an extensive list of things India should ban pronto!
1. Ban bean bags. They make fart noises
2. Ban colourful Macbook covers, because why hide what you truly are? (evil)
3. Ban naming your dog Snoopy
4. Ban naming your son Mukesh
5. Ban driving below the speed limit in Delhi, it’s unnatural
6. Ban ‘Save Water’ campaigns
7. Ban walking around with shirt collars up, in public and in private
Better still, ban collared shirts.
8. Ban toothy smiles, they exude false charm
9. Ban police checks after 11 PM
10. Nobody should be allowed to drink in moderation
11. Ban the ban on illegal substances
12. Ban doing surya namaskaar in public
You think you’re better than us?
13. Ban any music apart from Rock n Roll
Arrest those who listen to Hip Hop and Jazz.
14. Ban Asaram Bapu… from existence.
15. Ban debating whether Mumbai or Delhi is better
16. Ban white chocolate
17. Ban milk muchhis
Reminds me of lukewarm Bournvita. Also, I don’t like milk.
19. Ban mosquitoes
20. Ban taking photos of your food
Name and shame those pricks
21. Ban being passionate about travelling
Airports and railway stations make me sick.
22. Ban kissing with your mouth open
I’m single and I don’t want anybody rubbing their happy relationships in my face.
23. Ban giving money to beggars
24. Ban following your dreams
I don’t want anybody to be successful.
25. Ban becoming a doctor or a lawyer
Because I don’t want to listen to my parents.
26. Ban taking the metro to office
I don’t like metros. Or going to office.
27. Ban toys that look like penises
28. Ban ugly people
29. Ban jeans in colours other than black or blue
30. Ban white eyeliner
31. Ban self respect
It breeds morons.
32. Ban patriotism
It also breeds morons.
33. Ban paying for stuff
34. Ban Tinder
If I don’t find a match, nobody finds a match.
35. Ban emoticons with hearts on them
36. Ban self help books
They didn’t help me.
37. Ban pooping
It’s a waste of time
38. Ban angry aunties
39. Ban getting old
40. Ban reading Harry Potter
41. Ban sharing song lyrics as FB statuses
42. Ban the ‘Humans of New York’ FB page
43. Ban chai without milk
44. Ban giving advice to kids, they don’t listen anyway
45. Ban children below the age of 14
They’re of no use.
46. Ban repaying loans
47. Ban in-laws
48. Ban talking about the weather
49. Ban the concept of ‘God’
50. Ban singing ‘ Kiss From A Rose ‘ by Seal at karaoke
There’s no actualbasis for any of these really, but that’s how the country seems to be running anyway, so let’s go with it. If I don’t like it, I want it banned, just like the government.
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