It was great while it lasted, but it’s all over. Now that the pyaar ka purdah is off my eyes, I see the relationship for what it really was. While I have no regrets for being in that relationship, I sure as hell am not going back in there. Here is a long list of things I’d gladly do, rather than my ex (pun intended!):

1. Attend every single lecture ever held in college

2. Get a postpaid mobile connection

3. Tell my mom about the paper that I failed in

4. Swipe right for every random creep on Tinder

5. Listen to Justin Beiber songs on loop all day long

6. Rewatch Gunda all by myself

7. Accept that my best friend is smarter than me

8. Tell my boss he is dumber than me

9. Watch The Newshour on full volume every night

10. Defend a political leader on a social media platform

11. Do shots of raw karela juice

12. Mug up the lyrics to Yo Yo Honey Singh’s raps

13. Relive the sex talk I got from my dad

14. Fake my own death

15. Tag KRK in a tweet

16. Copy check Chetan Bhagat’s next manuscript

17. Pick fights with a guy twice my size

18. Interview Rakhi Sawant for one whole hour

19. Have deep, meaningful conversations with an Internet troll

20. Voluntarily spend time stuck in traffic

21. Try to make a lead bullet out of Maggi

22. Give up bargaining

23. Give one math test every day for the rest of my life

24. Write an episode by episode summary of Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi

25. Never taste another drop of ketchup again

26. Wear a bikini to my next job interview

27. Use sewage water as perfume

28. Get a haircut that closely resembles Salman Khan from Tere Naam

29. Click a selfie with Shakti Kapoor

30. Be the “before” model in Asian Sky Shop’s new weight loss advertisement

31. Spam all my Facebook friends with CandyCrush requests

32. Participate in Splitsvilla

33. Direct and produce Deshdrohi

34. Make my parents watch Two Girls One Cup

35. Lose my phone

36. Confess to taking drugs to Gurmeet Ram Rahim Singh Insaan

37. Conduct a social experiment in Rajiv Chowk

38. Organise a dance off between Mamata Banerjee and Baba Ramdev

39. Become a Himesh Reshammiya impersonator

40. Refuse an invitation to Shahid Kapoor’s marriage

41. Listen to a audio book of the Fifty Shades trilogy narrated by Simi Garewal

42. Translate Bruce Lee films into Bhojpuri

43. Sit for an indefinite hunger strike with corruption charges against Arvind Kejriwal with no proof whatsoever

44. Eat beef in Maharashtra

45. Romance Uday Chopra in his next movie

46. Back Sachin Tendulkar’s political career

47. Become Ram Gopal Verma’s PR manager

48. Provide back up vocals for Tahir Shah’s next song

49. Let Crime Master Gogo play goti with my eyes

50. Write fan mails to Deepak Tijori demanding for autographs every day

All GIFs taken from here, here and here unless otherwise stated.

Whatever I choose to do with my life, I’m certain my past won’t feature in it. Because I have some self respect, and I’d much rather make myself happy than go back begging to my ex. Neither of us deserve that.