“Bro!”

“Yo!”

“Yo, listen!”

By the time I opened my Facebook Messenger, a barrage of ‘Yo’, ‘bro’ and ‘dude’ was waiting for me. It was a friend of mine who’d planned an impromptu get-together on a Wednesday.

“Nahin ho paayega yaar. In office,” I replied.

“Bro! Come on! Don’t fuckin’ ditch us. Not again. Everybody’s coming.”

“Can’t. Have a meeting at 4:00.”

“Fuck. Bilkul nahin ho paayega?”

“Nope.”

“Fuck. Dekh le dude. Nisha bhi aa rahi hai “

“Ummm, nope. Nahin ho paayega.”

“Fuck. Cool, chal, take care bro.”

By the time the conversation ended, the amount of ‘fucks’, ‘cool’ and ‘dude’ used was more than the GDP of a small country.

Okay, some quick questions.

When you make chicken, you put masala in it, right?

The masala, in optimum quantity, is what makes the dish palatable, right?

Now, can you eat just the masala? Probably not.

The masala in itself serves no purpose. It’s only there to spice things up.

Just like the words ‘fuck’, ‘cool’, ‘dude’ and ‘bro’, that are supposed to maybe spice up your speech a little. 

But use them like Rohit Shetty uses cars in his films, and I personally feel that you come across as a wannabe. 

Someone trying too hard to be awesome.

There was a time when the term ‘fuck’ was used to signify deep rooted anguish and anger. Now, people use it when they’re straightening their back or cracking their fingers. 

By some magical intervention, ‘cool’ has replaced the good ol’ ‘okay’. If you’re fine with something, a simple ‘okay’ should suffice. But no, you must go the extra mile to show how in sync with the current times you are. 

Seriously, every time someone says cool, I’m tempted to give them a blanket. Zyaada thand lag rahi hai toh odh lo.

And now, people have come with a trashy derivative from an already trashy word.

It’s called ‘coo’. Coo, as in “Coo coo coo coo, choli ke peeche kya hai?”.

Absolutely zeher, I tell you.

All this was still tolerable. What really grinds my gears is the usage of the words ‘bro’ and ‘dude’. You know what’s more irritating than slow internet? A guy whom you’ve met just 5 mins ago coming up to you and calling you ‘bro’. 

Hey I just met you, and this is crazy.

I hardly know you, so don’t bro me maybe?

People have forgotten the sanctity the word ‘bro’ holds. Every time someone uses the word ‘bro’ in vain, Barney Stinson rolls in his grave. 

And how can we forget ‘dude’? I get it. You’re a Big Lebowski fan. 

But adding ‘dude’ to every sentence does nothing to up your cool quotient. All it does is make you sound like a generic prick trying your hand at some easy cultural appropriation. 

I was discussing this ‘issue’ with an office friend of mine.

Let’s call her Shreya so that you don’t know it’s Shruti.

“Why do people use words like ‘cool’ and ‘bro’ to act cool? What glory does an extensive usage of ‘dude’ bring them? Why can’t they stick to desi terms like bhai?” I asked.

And she said, and I quote, “If I’m telling you something serious then I’ll use a lot of ‘bro’ and ‘cool’ and ‘fuck’ and ‘dude’ so that I appear relaxed and controlled and the conversation doesn’t sound too heavy.”

Oh-kay. Fine. Fair enough. Using these terms to diffuse a complicated situation? Sounds innovative.

But going overboard with them? Well, not so much.

Hence, it’s my humble appeal to all you slang aficionados out there. Namak aur slang, dono swaad anusaar use karein. Dhanyawaad.