I bet you are surprised to hear from me after so long. I am surprised too, you know.
For one, I am surprised that after all these years, I am writing to you. Torn between bringing up past memories and the stirring of a little insecurity of what you will say to this, I am still unsure if I should have reached out to you. But more than anything, I am surprised about how starkly I remember you. I wonder if these memories were waiting, biding their time to spring back up again.
But I think I know that is not what it is.
I think if I pluck up enough courage to admit it to myself, I will find that the truth is, I am still in love with you.
Oh don’t worry, this is not a proposal, not even an attempt to rekindle a lost flame. I remember very clearly the circumstances we parted ways in. But sometimes I wonder what would have been if the situation was different, if we would have acted a little less selfish and a little more understanding, if we didn’t damage each other so bad because we were so exhausted simply explaining.
I wonder what would have been if we met at a different time.
Of course, these are just 3 AM musings, sometimes even 3 PM: someone would mention something about mint chocolate ice cream and all of a sudden, I would find myself transported to that afternoon spent curled under a blanket on a cold winter afternoon, eating mint chocolate ice cream with you just because we wanted to see how it feels to have ice cream in winters.
Or someone would mention the name of that mountain trek we did, and I would remember how you didn’t let go of my hand the entire time at the trek, even after you fell down a few times because of it. I was in a crowded party the other day when I faintly caught the song that was playing; I smiled for a good five minutes as I heard Dream A Little Dream Of Me after ages.
I wonder if that happens to you too. You were always the more practical one, so probably not. But you also said you were in love with me once upon a time, so I don’t really know for sure.
I must say I did resent you for a very, very long time after you were gone. I even resented you for the things you did right because that only made it harder to completely get you off my mind. But as hard as I tried, I could never get myself to hate you.
I don’t think that can be done, you know? Trust me, I tried.
You can be pissed for a very long time, you can replay every single bitter thing said and done, every cold and harsh word faced, you can remind yourself all the nights spent crying under the blanket waiting for a call that wasn’t coming…but after all those wounds heal, I think the love somehow remains.
Love and memories.
I don’t pine over you now. I don’t miss you intensely either. There is no craving, the absolute need to hear your voice, but there are still days when I think of you and wonder where you are in life. I wonder how your mother is and if she still makes that spicy fish with loads of garlic in it that I so loved. I wonder if you ever made up with your brother, I find myself curious to know if you ever got that job you were after for so long. And I want to know if you are happy.
I know I said it so many times that I don’t want that for you, that I hope you go through the pain that you put me through. I may have even meant it to a certain degree. But I do hope you are happy, really.
And more importantly, loved.
I do not know where life has taken you. I hope it is somewhere good. I hope that wherever you are, in your mind, only good memories remain now. I hope you still remember me as the person who when you first met was a breath of fresh air for you, and not the person who you later said suffocated you.
I am sure we are different people now, that is one of the best things time does. But I hope you have preserved that infectious laughter, your simplicity and your love for everything coffee.
And I hope you have forgiven me, as I have forgiven you. So that if we are to ever cross paths again, we can cherish how great we were together once upon a time rather than what we could never be. And I hope that whatever your dream may be, sometimes you still dream a little dream of me.