India will be facing Namibia today in the T20 World Cup. Losing to Pakistan and New Zealand might have essentially knocked India out of the tournament but the real blow came yesterday when Afghanistan lost to NZ, killing all our hopes. But hear me out. We aren’t out of the cup yet. 

1. BCCI buys New Zealand cricket with immediate effect. 


2. Saari teams ke saare players ko Indian khana khila do baari baari. All predominantly white teams would just f**k off. 

The Star

3. Sehwag ko Hindi aur English commentary, har channel pe, har playing nation mein, every telecast pe. Sirf Sehwag. Log dekhna hi band kar denge. 


4. Hozier’s new album releases in the next 24 hours for everybody to get drunk and sing along and be brothers and realise organised sports are an expensive mass distraction from society being drowned in chaos and misery. 


5. New Zealand team watches some History channel documentary and feels a surge of white guilt and just quits. 


6. We resurrect the ancient Indian tradition of digging pitches and take it to Dubai. Har match mein khod denge.  


7. ICC makes new rules, starts giving out 2 points of warm-up games. 


8. We fix the World Cup like half the Pakistani fans on Twitter think. 


9. Hum report nahi karenge World Cup. TV pe dikhana band kar denge, Hotstar bhi band. Tumhe kya hi pata chalega? 


10. Alien Invasion. Jaadu tumhara dost thodi tha? Sooner than later he will be back with an army at his back. 

Shakl dekho iski? Friendly lagta hai ye? Kismat hai tumhari ki minivan mein kidnap nahi hue tum bachpan mein!

11. England team watches Sardar Udham and is like, “F**k, hamare ancestors kitne chutiye the” and they just go home and be sad about it


Oh boo hoo, so what if you have wasted 2 minutes of your time! Appreciate my creativity , I wrote culturally relevant 11 points for a non-article!