In this article, we’ve compiled a treasure trove of 100 of the best roasts for friends guaranteed to bring smiles, giggles, and maybe even a few eye rolls. Whether you’re aiming for a gentle ribbing or a full-blown comedic roast, these roast for your friends and clever comebacks will have your friends rolling on the floor with laughter. So grab your popcorn, sharpen your wit, and get ready to see the list of good roasts for your friends.

1. You’re as useless as the ‘ueue’ in ‘queue’.

2. Mirrors can’t talk. Lucky for you, they can’t laugh either.

3. Hey, you have something on your chin…no, the 3rd one down.

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4. You’re the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.

5. If I had a face like yours, I’d sue my parents.

6. Your only chance of getting laid is to crawl up a chicken’s butt and wait.

7. Some day you’ll go far… and I hope you stay there.

8. Aha! I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again!

9. You must have been born on a highway cos’ that’s where most accidents happen.

10. If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be crying the world.

11. I’m glad to see you’re not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.

12. Is your ass jealous of the amount of shit that just came out of your mouth?

13. So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.

14. If I wanted to kill myself I’d climb your ego and jump to your IQ.

15. I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.

16. When I see your face there’s not a thing I would change… except the direction I was walking in.

17. If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart I’d be broke.

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18. When you were born the doctor threw you out the window and the window threw you back.

19. I love what you’ve done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of the nostrils like that?

20. You’re like Wi-Fi in a crowded area—constantly dropping connections.

21. If life gave out awards for being a mess, you’d be sweeping the stage every year.

22. You’re the human embodiment of “Ctrl + Alt + Delete” because you always manage to reboot after a mess.

23. If procrastination were an Olympic sport, you’d be the gold medalist.

24. You’re as reliable as a broken pencil—always pointless.

25. If there was a degree in binge-watching, you’d have a Ph.D.

26. You’re proof that chaos theory isn’t just a theory.

27. You’re like a pizza crust—always trying to hold it together but falling apart under pressure.

28. If scatterbrains were currency, you’d be a billionaire.

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29. You’re the kind of person who tries to parallel park in a drive-thru.

30. You’re the Picasso of awkward moments—creating masterpieces wherever you go.

31. If “Oops!” had a spokesperson, it would be you.

32. You’re as organized as a toddler’s toy box—everything’s everywhere.

33. You’re the reason Siri turns off her listening mode.

34. You’re like a computer without spell check—always making typos in life.

35. If there was a prize for losing keys, you’d have a trophy room.

36. You’re the real-life embodiment of Murphy’s Law—everything that can go wrong, does.

37. You’re the reason “easy-open” packages were invented.

38. If life were a movie, you’d be the comic relief character.

39. You’re like a human GPS—constantly recalculating your life’s direction.

40. If there was a class on overthinking, you’d be the professor.

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41. You’re the MVP of accidental puns—always cracking jokes without realizing it.

42. You’re like a Rubik’s Cube—complicated, colorful, and always challenging to figure out.

43. You’re as graceful as a newborn giraffe learning to walk.

44. You’re the reason why “undo” buttons exist in life.

45. You’re like a walking encyclopedia of random facts—knowledgeable, but sometimes unnecessary.

46. If laughter were a currency, you’d be bankrupt from spending it all.

47. You’re the human equivalent of a “404 Error: Page Not Found.”

48. You’re like a subscription service—constantly renewing yourself, but sometimes with unexpected charges.

49. You’re the life of the party—until you accidentally trip over the punch bowl.

50. To my friend who’s always fashionably late: You’re the reason clocks have snooze buttons.

51. If brains were dynamite, you’d be a safe neighborhood.

52. I’d say you’re as useful as a screen door on a submarine, but at least the door keeps out the water.

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53. If your life was a movie, it would be rated R for Ridiculous.

54. Are you a parking ticket? Because you’ve got “fine” written all over you.

55. If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.

56. If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person alive.

57. Roses are red, violets are blue, I’ve got five fingers, and the middle one’s for you.

58. You’re not stupid; you just have bad luck when thinking.

59. If you were a vegetable, you’d be a “cute-cumber.”

60. I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.

61. I’d slap you, but that would be animal abuse.

62. You’re not the dumbest person in the world, but you’d better hope they don’t die.

63. Are you always this stupid, or are you making a special effort today?

64. If you were any less intelligent, we’d have to water you twice a week.

65. Somewhere out there is a tree, tirelessly producing oxygen for you. You owe it an apology.

66. I’d call you a tool, but even they serve a purpose.

67. If I threw you a surprise party, would anyone show up?

68. Is your name Wi-Fi? Because I’m feeling no connection here.

69. I’m jealous of people who don’t know you.

70. You’re like a Monday, nobody likes you.

71. I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don’t want to see you every day.

72. It’s not that you’re weird; you’re just not normal.

73. You bring everyone a lot of joy, when you leave the room.

74. You’re not as dumb as you look. Or as you sound. Or as you are.

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75. You’re like a dictionary, you add meaning to my life.

76. Is there an app I can download to make you disappear?

77. I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons.

78. You’re about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.

78. If brains were dynamite, you wouldn’t have enough to blow your nose.

79. I’d like to see things from your point of view, but I can’t seem to get my head that far up my butt.

80. You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, but you’re definitely a tool.

81. You’re the reason the middle finger was invented.

82. Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you’re Cu-Te.

83. You’re not completely useless; you can always serve as a bad example.

84. I’d insult you, but then I’d have to explain it, and I don’t have that kind of time.

85. You’re the human equivalent of a participation award.

86. If you were twice as smart, you’d still be half as smart as me.

87. You’re not the dumbest person in the world, but you’d better hope they don’t die.

88. I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.

89. You’re like a goldfish, every time you open your mouth, I just want to throw you a snack.

90. If I had a dollar for every brain cell you have, I’d have 15 cents.

91. Is your name Google? Because you have everything I’m searching for… in a friend, except for intelligence.

92. You’re like a dictionary, but only the pages with the typos.

93. If I were to rate you on a scale of 1 to 10, I’d give you a 9… because I’m the one you need.

94. You’re like a broken clock—right twice a day, but still mostly useless.

95. Are you an interior decorator? Because when you enter a room, it’s suddenly full of disappointment.

96. You’re not just a clown; you’re the whole circus.

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97. I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you have the uncanny ability to make me feel like a genius.

98. If stupidity were a superpower, you’d be the world’s greatest superhero.

99. You’re the reason aliens won’t talk to us.

100. You’re the human equivalent of a participation ribbon.

These roasts for friends are sure to keep the laughter flowing and the banter alive.